written by sheyla rodriguez
illustrated by micah greyeyes
composed by willa hawthorne
With a Heavy Heart
☥
Anubis held your hand, but he does not hold mine.
He is silent as he places my heart on the scale,
Takes one step back and watches the weight bring it down.
One scale, two things to weigh
The heart of the dead against the feather of justice.
Walls filled with hieroglyphs surround me
Unreadable, cold to the touch.
And there stands Anubis, a silent black dog
Horus’ eagle head, Sobek’s reptile fangs
All stare at the scale in its wooden glory
Above, I see a reflection of the scene
Below, there is dirt.
It said you were virtuous, a man of honor.
You were Egypt’s royal scribe!
Your heart then, unburdened by sin weighed less than the feather
Mine is heavy, Hunefer.
I recall my dishonesty, my theft, my blasphemy
But you were a scribe and I a slave.
How can they measure us using the same scale?
Where will my soul go? I ask.
Nowhere
Can you see, Hunefer?
My hands could bend and break the wooden post
Disrobe the feather from its pure whiteness.
Gone are the silent Gods, now they shriek in horror!
But nothing did I change in life
Could I change anything in death?
☥
The Egyptian Book of the Dead is a collection of guides to help the deceased reach the afterlife. Hunefer, a renowned royal scribe received his own book of the dead, the “Papyrus of Hunefer” where he faces the last judgment before entering the afterlife. The scale of the dead weighs the deceased's heart against the feather of Maat, the goddess of justice. If the heart is heavier than the feather, the deceased is not virtuous enough to be granted passage into the afterlife and ceases to exist.Anubis left your heart untouched, but he grabs mine
He feeds it to Sobek who gladly devours it.
I Hear
the fangs p i e r c e through the muscle.
I See
the dirt mixed with b l o o d.
These Gods I prayed to stand before me
Still, I look up to meet their gaze and feel so little.
What of my unanswered prayers?
My hopeless faith in Death being my peace.
Nowhere? I ask
Non-existence
The walls scream,
Beg for forgiveness!
Why should I, Hunefer?
Is this the punishment I deserve
for stealing bread and eggs?
for choosing numbness over life’s pains?
Anything, I will do anything, I whisper.
And Anubis finally holds my hand..
Nothing will change your fate
But He must know that I’d dry the Nile;
He must know.
But it is all pointless.
help me
I look back at the scale,
The feather of Maat
And the empty jar.
Someone will come after me
Someone will fill the empty jar.
But perhaps in another life
I was the scribe and you my slave
The pharaoh and you my servant
Perhaps in another life, I win.
And you lose, Hunefer.
☥
We walk now.
I run my fingers across blank walls
D i g my feet into the dirt
I stare at Sobek’s bloody fangs
And then The Door.
You were likely greeted by Osiris, Horus, and Isis
No one greets me.
I see
nothing
beyond.
Anubis lets go of my hand
He steps back and I am alone.
Allowing for one pitiful illusion
I choose Non-Existence.
One
step
forward
I hesitate.
Crossing this door will lead me to nothingness
No. It will turn me into nothing.
I could walk/run/turn/back
bash the scale on/against/towards the ground
Strip/deflower the white plumes
dig/reach/crawl inside Sobek’s guts
and retrieve the chunks of my heart.
I’m scared
☥
Touch it
Touch what, I questioned.
What you wish to destroy
I retrace my steps.
Following the trail of hieroglyphs
Passing Anubis and Horus
the blood stained dirt… Sobek
There it was.
A large scale of wooden perfection.
The right pan held the feather
The left pan an empty bottle
Touch it
And I did.
I saw a premature baby, abandoned and left to die
A woman with eyes blue like the Nile burned alive
A ruthless man hung
A starving blind bird
I saw a man living in eternal pain and fire
Then thousands, perhaps millions of lives full of sin, of pain, and sadness
But the clearest one was of a slave stealing bread and eggs
Then plunging himself into the river
Drowning with a soft smile.
☥
Would you understand, Hunefer?
If shown, you were living multiple lives
without knowing.
And in e v e r y single one you suffered,
In e v e r y single one you were unredeemable
Egypt’s royal scribe, I know you wouldn’t.
No matter when, where, or “whom”
I’d come back to this room and this scale
Perhaps not quite this way
But the result would not change.
I’d be marked unworthy of life
Sentenced to eternal damnation or nothingness.
Life is meaningless for the miserable
And they stay miserable in Death.
We are small grains of wheat
waiting to be harvested!
You and I, Hunefer
We are just alike.
Except today I cease to exist
And you live on.
☥
Here we are, Hunefer.
I stand motionless,
Hand against wooden glory.
And you arrive for judgement.
You are dressed in white and Anubis holds your hand.
Your heart, unburdened by sin,
weighs less than the feather
And today, the scale has allowed you to exist.
The scale speaks to me of your life
Our royal scribe
And you stare at me
Like a stranger
Nobody.
But I know you, Hunefer.
Not even you, would grant me life.
I turn away from your white robes
Away from our unforgiving gods
From the scale.
forgive me
I cross the threshold.